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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25528729">life imitates art</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/antithestral/pseuds/antithestral'>antithestral</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, DC Extended Universe, DCU, Justice League (2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, i mean this is stupid on an existential level, this is the closest i will ever come to rpf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:07:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25528729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/antithestral/pseuds/antithestral</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="small">About 3,043,000 results (0.49 seconds)</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><span class="small">CNN</span><br/><span class="big"><b>CONFIRMED: Batman &amp; Superman movie in production!</b></span><br/>Fox’s indie arthouse label, Searchlight, has confirmed that the initial photography for the highly-anticipated superhero movie has begun in Vancouver...<br/><span class="small">3 hours ago</span></p><p> </p><p> </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>"how is dick in this fic?!" BECAUSE I MISSED MY BOY ;-;</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>day zero.</strong>
</p><p>“Hi.” Lois said, grinning maniacally at him. She was waiting by his cubicle with the general air of a B-grade villain planning a strategic ambush. </p><p>Clark put his messenger bag down, and took his seat. Lois had been mind-controlled before—but even mind-controlled Lois didn’t do the horrible smile she was doing right now.</p><p>“Hey, Lois,” Clark replied carefully. “You look… normal.”</p><p>“So I got a call from Valerie, you know, at 21st Century Fox? In LA? With the big red hair—”</p><p>“—and the weird shoes, sure.” Everyone knew Valerie. “How’s she doing?”</p><p>“She’s fine. Who cares. So she calls me up, and she tells me the most amazing thing, right, just ten minutes before the news breaks the internet, and I wanted to call you up and tell you, but I also wanted to see your <em>face, </em>so I decided to wait, only now you might’ve already seen the news and—”</p><p>“Lois,” Clark interrupted. “Breathe.”</p><p>She breathed.</p><p>“I didn't look at the news this morning. There was a minor seismic event in Kuwait, I had to go hold up a building. What’s going on?”</p><p>Lois looked like she’d been touched by God. “Wow. You really don’t know…”</p><p>“Nope. Lay it on me.”</p><p>She shoved her phone screen at him. It took a second for the words to make sense, and then all the blood drained from his face. </p><p>“Oh god.”</p><p>Lois grinned. </p><p>Clark heard Jimmy’s camera go off, but it was hard to focus on that, because.... Because, holy shit, Bruce was going to <em>kill them.</em></p><p> </p>

<p></p><div>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="results">About 3,430,000 results (0.49 seconds)</p>
  <p class="news">
<span class="source"> CNN</span><br/>
<span class="head">CONFIRMED: Batman &amp; Superman movie in production!</span><br/>
<span class="blurb">Fox’s indie arthouse label, Searchlight, has confirmed that the initial photography for the highly-anticipated superhero movie has begun in Vancouver...</span><br/>
<span class="timestamp">3 hours ago</span></p>
  <p class="news">
<span class="source"> The Mary Sue</span><br/>
<span class="head">‘NOT A BIOGRAPHY’: Batman/Superman movie is “inspired by” the heroes’ adventures</span><br/>
<span class="blurb">Oscar-nominated director Olivia Winnibeck has stated that the silver screen adaptation of Batman and Superman’s caped crusades aren’t based on their real lives: ‘We don’t know who they are, for [expletive]’s sake! We didn’t hire Batman and Supes to script-write for us! I don’t where these [expletive] rumors...</span><br/>
<span class="timestamp">1 hour ago</span></p>
</div><div class="text">
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Diana </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:08 AM]</span><br/>
Has anyone told him about the movie?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textto"><span class="text_header">To: All </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:11 AM]</span><br/>
r u nuts? i dont wanna die lol</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Dick </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:12 AM]</span><br/>
He's still asleep, thank God.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Arthur </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[9:23 AM]</span><br/>
someone get photos when he finds out<br/>
i want to see his face explode<br/>
and by someone, i mean u @dick</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Dick </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:23 AM]</span><br/>
Oh my god, dude, fuck off?</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Dick </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:25 AM]</span><br/>
I think I heard something break in the east wing.<br/>
Oh fuck.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">From: Dick </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[09:32 AM]</span><br/>
He knows.</p>
</div><p> </p>
<p> </p><p>
  <b>day twenty-six.</b>
</p><p>“Channing Tatum!” Clark spat, for like, the <em>fiftieth</em> time that evening.</p><p>“You’re fixating on the wrong thing,” Bruce muttered, typing furiously at the Batcomputer. He had the cowl on, and he hadn’t even bothered to turn around when Clark flew in.</p><p>“Channing! <em>God. Damn. </em>Tatum!” Clark ranted, pacing angrily down the length of the cave again. “Are you <em>kidding </em>me?! Hollywood’s favourite stripper, and they cast <em>him</em> to play—He doesn’t even <em>look</em> like me!”</p><p>Bruce did turn around at that, and stared at him for a minute. “I don’t know. The shoulders, maybe. And the nose kind of works. The chin, too… It’s not so bad, Clark, really. Wasn’t he People’s sexiest man alive at some point?”</p><p>Clark glared. “You <em>know</em> some idiot on the internet is going to do that Magic Mike routine in my suit, and then no one in the League will take me seriously until the end of <em>time—”</em></p><p>“First of all,” Bruce cut in, “<em>you </em>could do the Magic Mike routine in the middle of a League conference, and they would still take you seriously because you can <em>shoot laser beams </em>out of your <em>eyes, </em>you idiot—”</p><p>“—doesn’t stop you from calling me names,” Clark grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest, while a reluctant smile tugged at his mouth.</p><p>“And secondly,” and now <em>Bruce </em>was doing that evil, crooked smirk that made absolutely terrible things happen in Clark’s stomach, why was his heart <em>Doing That, </em>“that video? Some idiot doing the Magic Mike routine in a Superman suit? That already <em>very</em> much exists.”</p><p>“What.”</p><p>He lounged back in his seat. “Mm.”</p><p>Clark gaped at him like a mentally deficient goldfish, and then finally managed to blurt, “Why do you <em>know that.</em>”</p><p>Bruce shrugged, the bastard. “Research.”</p><p>
  <em></em><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>“Weren’t <strong><em>you</em></strong> People’s sexiest man alive at some point too?” Clark asked, several hours later, full of good wine and Chinese takeout.</p><p>Bruce glared at the Batcomputer. “Shut up.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>day hundred and seventy-eight.</b>
</p>

<p></p><div class="text">
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:09 AM]</span><br/>As promised.<br/>
<span class="u">[FINAL_DRAFT]_The_Bridge_07/23edit.pdf</span> [download]<br/>
You might want to skip to the shower scene in Act 4 ;)</p>
  <p class="textto"><span class="text_header">xxxxxxx </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:11 AM]</span><br/>Thank you, Valerie.</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:12 AM]</span><br/>Hey no problem, Bats!</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:15 AM]</span><br/>seriously tho you gotta also read the last met-narrows scene.that’s the part they’re worried about.</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:19 AM]</span><br/>
it's like, Very Gay TM.</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:22 AM]</span><br/>
they don’t want supes to get all offended and like, laser-eye all the studio execs or whatever.</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:28 AM]</span><br/>
he’s not a gay bashing homophobe, is he? i mean, with pants like that, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on, but still.</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:29 AM]</span><br/>
he’s not a mormon or some shit? kryptormon?? is that a thing????</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:34 AM]</span><br/>
..........??????????????</p>
  <p class="textfrom"><span class="text_header">Valerie </span> <span class="text_timestamp">[2:34 AM]</span><br/>
Batman?!!!</p>
</div>
<p>
  <strong>day hundred and seventy-nine.</strong>
</p>
<p>Lois was waiting at his cubicle again. Clark really had to start coming in earlier to work.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he mumbled tiredly.</p>
<p>“You look beat. Another earthquake in Kuwait?”</p>
<p>“What?” He blinked at her, confused, before he remembered. Jeez, that was like, six months ago. “No, no, I was with Bruce last night. I just—had a hard time falling asleep.” </p>
<p>Lois grinned. Clark replayed his sentence in his head and scowled immediately. “Don’t,” he warned her. “Do <em>not </em>say it.”</p>
<p>“Alright, alright.” She rolled her eyes, and sat down at the edge of his desk. “You ruin all my fun, Smallville.” There was a sort of tenseness about her that was… alarming. </p>
<p>Was Lois… nervous?</p>
<p>“You okay?”</p>
<p>She startled slightly. “Yeah! Yeah. Um. So Valerie called again?”</p>
<p>“Did she.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, so you know how, because I write Superman interviews all the time, people think I know Superman and stuff?”</p>
<p>“To be fair, you <em>do </em>know Superman and stuff,” Clark pointed out reasonably, and got a stiletto kicked at his shin for his troubles.</p>
<p>“Smart-ass. So Valerie calls, and says, hypothetically, if she had the script for the Batman-Superman movie, would I be able to get it to Superman, and would he read it and like… Green-light it?”</p>
<p>“They need my— They need Superman’s okay on the… script?” He frowned. Superman merchandising rights technically didn’t belong to anyone — none of the porn studios, for instance, shied away from straight up calling their actors Kal-El on screen — or Clark would’ve been <em>rolling </em>in dough. “No one’s ever needed my go-ahead before.”</p>
<p>Lois fidgeted. “Um, yeah, it’s because. This one’s kinda…. indie arthouse-y? It’s a little more… Controversial. It would be good for them, if they could honestly say Superman was cool with it. And Batman, obviously.” </p>
<p>“Does Superman, like, murder someone in this?” Clark laughed. There was something curdling in his stomach, a heavy, ugly nausea. In his mind, he could taste rainwater, and metal, could feel skin splitting where his fist landed, could taste blood in the air. Bruce’s blood. His quiet grunts of pain, as Clark tried to—kill him. “‘Crazy alien loses control of his powers!’” Clark said, like a newshawker from another century. “‘Murders everyone he loves!’” He was still grinning for some reason, like it was funny. He could taste bitterness in his throat.</p>
<p>Lois was looking at him strangely. “No, Clark,” she said softly. Her hand came on top of his and squeezed hard. “Honey, oh… No, nothing like that.” </p>
<p>There was a USB in her other hand. She placed it on the desk, and then got up, and pressed a dry, warm kiss to his temple. “Just read it, okay? We can talk about it later, if you want. And maybe get a copy to Bruce first.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he said, staring blankly at the USB. Her hand was still on his, warm and soft. </p>


<p></p><div class="script"><p><b>FADE IN. EXT. <br/>
THE METRO-NARROWS BRIDGE - NIGHT</b></p>
<p>The bridge is empty. There is a man standing near the railing, smoking a cigarette, the tip glowing orange. A sudden flutter of cloth is audible, followed by the soft thump of boots hitting metal. Camera stays on the solitary man, the railing cutting through the center, suspension towers framing the shot, the dark waters of the Bay and the night sky forming the backdrop.</p>
<p><span class="char">BATMAN [offscreen]</span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">Those things will kill you, you know.</span></p>
<p><b>PAN AROUND. ZOOM IN. </b>The cigarette flares a little brighter, and the screen is filled with a close-up of his face, barely visible in the darkness. Burning orange embers reflect in blue irises. The man smiles, and crushes the cigarette between his fingertips. His skin does not burn. He turns around.</p>
<p><b>PAN OUT. </b>He’s young, dark-haired, in his mid-twenties, built like a linebacker, in a white shirt, jeans, and a windbreaker. There’s a detective’s badge hanging from a cord around his neck. His elbows are propped on the railing, his body language open, anticipatory. We all know who he is, and who he’s talking to. He tips his head up, as if the person he’s addressing is high up, in the bridge’s girders.</p>
<p><span class="char">SUPERMAN</span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">(grinning) <br/>
I’m not that worried. <br/>
(pause, adding more soberly) <br/>
Do you have anything new on the Krazinski case?</span></p>
<p><span class="char">BATMAN </span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">
(drops soundlessly to the railing on his toes, belying his frame, cape flaring around his shoulders, in a perfectly-executed gymnast’s landing) <br/>
The biotech racket? ‘Course I do. Unlike some people, I’m actually competent at my job.</span></p>
<p><span class="char">SUPERMAN</span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">
(rolls his eyes) <br/>
Show-off. Where to, then?</span></p>
<p><span class="char">BATMAN </span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">
Hangman’s Alley. They’ve set up a network of labs in the abandoned metro stations underground. You know where it is?

</span></p><p><span class="char">SUPERMAN</span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">
I know my own city, Bats. <br/>
(He raises one hand to the top button of his shirt, and then pauses.) <br/>
Want a lift? </span></p>
<p><span class="char">BATMAN</span><br/>
<span class="dialogue">
(shrugs) <br/>
Sure.</span></p>
<p>The camera tightens on Superman’s hands. He grasps the two sides of his shirt, at the collar, and pulls—</p>
<p><b>[CUE THEME]</b></p>
<p>—to reveal tight blue fabric, and the iconic red ‘S’ shield.</p>
<p><b>[SMASH-CUT TO TITLE]</b></p>
<p>‘THE BRIDGE’</p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>day two hundred and thirty-four</b>
</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p class="results">About 908,000 results (0.21 seconds)
</p>
  <p class="news">
<span class="source"> Comic Book Cave</span><br/>
<span class="head">THE BRIDGE trailer is OUT!
</span><br/>
<span class="blurb">The trailer for the highly anticipated Batman/Superman flick, ‘The Bridge’ dropped today, premiering during the Superbowl to millions of American viewers...</span><br/>
<span class="timestamp">3 mins ago</span></p>
  <p class="news">
<span class="source"> The Velociraptor</span><br/>
<span class="head">WATCH NOW: The Bridge teaser trailer is finally here
</span><br/>
<span class="blurb">Henry Cavill <em>(Tudors, BBC)</em> and Ben Affleck <em>(Good Will Hunting, Armageddon)</em> star in the much awaited Winibeck-helmed summer blockbuster, as Superman and Batman respectively...</span><br/>
<span class="timestamp">2 mins ago</span></p>
</div><div class="blr">
  <p class="topline"><span class="topuser">shitsupermansays</span>  <span class="topuser">gothamsfavouritethot</span>  <span class="topright"><span class="notecount">902</span></span></p>
  <p class="poster1">shitsupermansays:</p>
  <p class="poster2">gothamsfavouritethot:</p>
  <p class="poster3">kalfell:</p>
  <p class="poster4">piercebreesnan:</p>
  <p class="post4">OH MY GOD THA T TRAILER I’ M FUCKINGDEAD</p>
  <p class="post3">as someone who actually was dragged out of a car crash by SUPERMAN HISSELF, i can confirm that he is actually That Pretty irl too</p>
  <p class="post2">did anyone else get kind of a gay vibe though?</p>
  <p class="post1">get your dirty RPF shipping ass out of my life</p>
  <p class="bottomline">#batman #superman #fuck you all #this is why we can't have nice things<br/>
Source: piercebreesnan</p>
</div><div class="blr">
  <p class="topline"><span class="topuser">excal1bur</span>  <span class="topuser">gothamsfavouritethot</span>  <span class="topright"><span class="notecount">1,394</span></span></p>
  <p class="poster1">gothamsfavouritethot</p>
  <p class="poster2">shitsupermansays</p>
  <p class="post3"><span class="chatstyle"><b>me: </b>fetishizing real people with real lives for your personal sexual entertainment is gross and wrong. </span><br/>
<span class="chatstyle"><b>tumblr gremlins: </b>BUT- BUT WHAT ABOUT HAAAMILTON??!?!!!</span></p>
  <p class="post2">how is it that when olivia winibeck makes a whole ass movie that is <em>literally</em> superbat fanfiction, it gets standing ovations at All The Fucking Film Festivals, but when i say i want batfleck and supercav to bone, suddenly i am The <em>Literal Personification Of True Evil UWU</em> like lmao fuck off and read a book you dingus</p>
  <p class="bottomline">#fandom wank #fandom wank for ts #superbat #points were made<br/>
Source: shitsupermansays</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>oh i am FULLY aware this fic is rapidly devolving into a little thing where i can fuck around with ao3's formatting limitations. i swear i'm writing a real, proper story with actual plot that i'll be posting in a few days :(</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>for updates, please subscribe to this story.<br/>thanks for reading! if you liked it, remember to hit kudos &lt;3<br/>find me on tumblr @pasdecoeur</p></blockquote></div></div>
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